Our marriage didn’t start out abusive.
In fact, it started out like a whirlwind romance.
Dick liked all the same things I liked and knew just what to say at the right time. He’d send me gifts and show up at my house with all the groceries to make a nice dinner, complete with wildflowers he’d picked for me earlier in the day.
We had a big wedding planned for September, but he called me at work on April Fools’ Day and asked me to take the afternoon off of work so we could go get married. He said he loved me so much he couldn’t wait for the fall to start our life together.
I didn’t see the abuse start, in fact, I can’t even tell you for certain when it began.
I just woke up one day and I wasn’t happy. Dick was constantly putting me down and making fun of me.
Once, unbeknownst to me, he flicked a booger on me right before I introduced him to my boss at a new job. When we left the meeting he howled until his sides hurt about the booger the “size of a dorsal fin” that was in my hair. I felt so small.
As the years went on, I wasn’t capable of doing anything right.
He’d tell me that if I didn’t act the way I did, then he wouldn’t have to treat me the way he did. Dick said on many occasions, “I’m such an idiot for putting up with you. Nobody else would ever love you.”
Of course, there were the fights where I would remind him of something he said or did and he would deny it and tell me I was “making sh!t up in your head.” I really thought I was going crazy. I later learned this is called gaslighting.
When it was time to go grocery shopping, Dick would always insist on going with me. He’d read a magazine while I loaded the cart. Then, at the checkout line, he would pull out the money and pay the cashier. I wasn’t allowed to touch the money.
It was this way when shopping for clothes, as well. He refused to give me any money to go shopping by myself. We would go to the mall together and he would pick out what stores to look in and which outfits he liked. He’d even go into the dressing room with me.
If I didn’t hurry to make a decision, then he would get bored and be ready to leave without buying anything. So, I often wore clothes that really weren’t my style and that I didn’t feel good in because I was rushed to make a decision based on the things he had chosen for me, or I’d go without new clothes.
Toward the end, along with the verbal and emotional abuse, the financial abuse, and gaslighting, Dick began throwing things at me, kicking me, elbowing me, body slamming me, and holding my wrists while pinning me down to yell at me.
I NEVER thought that this was domestic violence because Dick NEVER hit me in the face. I NEVER had a black eye, a bloodied lip, or a broken bone.
And, he kept telling me I deserved the way he treated me.
I believed him. If Dick said it, it must be true.
I told myself that I would stay in the marriage for my kiddios until it wasn’t better for them if I stayed, and that is exactly what I did.
One night around Thanksgiving, Willow was crocheting something and Dick was on the sofa drinking beer and watching a football game. Proud of her work, Willow held up what she was making and showed it to me. I told her that she was just like me because I had enjoyed crocheting so much as a child.
To this, Dick spouted off, “Willow, you are nothing like your Mama. You are so much better than your Mama. You will never be like her.” I knew it was time to leave.
Naively, I thought everything would somehow all be magically better once I could escape his abuse and control. I had no idea what was coming in the way of 6 more years of post-separation abuse and parental alienation that continues today, 10 years later. And, I lacked the adult resources to deal with them in a healthy, self-compassionate way.
But I am a fighter, and little by little, day by day, I continued to take the next right action to change my situation.
I received help from the county prosecutor’s victims’ center. They taught me about the Wheel of Post Separation Power and Control and helped me create a safety plan for myself and one for Willow. Then they sent me to the local domestic violence organization in my hometown. There, I received counseling, financial and budget creation education, legal advice, and parenting classes.
I also was a recipient of Doris Buffett’s Women’s Independence Scholarship Program, Inc. The WISP scholarship provides scholarships to women survivors of intimate partner abuse in an effort to stop the cycle of domestic violence by offering financial empowerment through access to higher education.
As a teacher, the pay scale is increased with higher education and time of service. Thanks to Ms. Buffett and WISP, I graduated with my master’s degree in Educational Literacy, which helped me earn a livable wage to support Willow and myself.
My life is drastically different today. And better.
SO. MUCH. BETTER.
None of what I learned was easy, but it was all worth it. My passion for creating this site is so that I can share some of my experience, strength, and hope with you to make your life better, too.
My daughter Willow was young enough at the time of the separation to experience the brunt of her father’s wrath and for the longest time, I couldn’t save her. The other girls were out of the house and old enough to drive and escape him until he would at least calm down.
Willow wants to add her perspective and maybe it will resonate with your children and let them discover that they are not alone.
The intention of this site is to give you tools to help you navigate your situation and resources to guide you to the next right action, whatever that looks like for you. I will hold space for you in a safe environment, providing encouragement, and maybe a little entertainment, too.
Here are a few fun facts about me: I love my daughters more than anything in the world. I love the sun, the ocean, nature, hiking, swimming, golf, my cats, and my granddog. I love to eat cake and tacos, sleep late, play the radio too loud in the car, as well as sing and dance in the grocery store when a good 80’s song comes on. Palm trees make me happy.
So, I’ll leave you with this…
Did you know that palm tree trunks can bend up to 50 degrees without snapping in a violent wind? The nastiest of storms with the most brutal winds cannot break the trunk of the strong palm.
You can be like the palm trees.
You can bend during our storms in life, but you don’t have to break.
