For at least six years after I escaped my abusive marriage, my ex huband stalked me in multiple ways.
Abusive ex-husbands stalking their ex-wives is a serious issue that affects many women.*
My ex started monitoring my activites within days of me moving out of our family home, as soon as he found out where I was.
He began stalking by bringing gifts to me at my new place.
The gifts were mainly things that he knew that I wanted rather than things of a romatic nature. Many men will love bomb with flowers and the like, but he went practical.
One gift that stands out most in my mind was the $150 pair of black boots from Macy’s. I’d told him a few weeks before that I wanted them to wear to work . He wouldn’t let me buy them because he didn’t like the style. (He always had the last word on what I was allowed to wear, but that’s a story for another day.)
Then, a day or two after he brought by the boots, he showed up inside the fenced back yard of my townhouse.
I walked though the living room, and there he was pounding on my glass sliding door. He’d let himself in though the gate and wanted me to let him in my house. He said he came over to shovel the snow (2 inches) off the back patio (a 10ft x 10ft concrete slab) for me.
How did he know that I had a back patio? And why would I need it shoveled?
Not questions I thought to ask in the moment. However, I did have the foresight to put a lock on my gate.
Though I didn’t plan to separate from him when I did, I ended up barely escaping right before Christmas. My kids’ world was crumbling down around them and I wanted to make things as easy as possible.
My dad took us to a Chirstmas tree lot to get a fresh tree for our new home. Being just 6 days before Christmas, there wasn’t much of a selection of Christmas tree lights left at any of the stores. All we could find was 2 strings of colored icicle lights at CVS. We decorated the little tree with with them anyway, along with a few contruction paper ornaments the girls made.
During the years we were married, our Christmas trees always had white lights. When my youngest daughter, Willow, came back to my house after visiting her dad, she asked me, “How did Dad know we have colored lights on our Christmas tree, Mama? He asked me why our tree here has colored lights.”
How did he know we had colored lights on our tree?
I learned the answer to that question the very next time Willow came home to me after visiting her dad. She proceeded to tell me a whole reenactment about how after dark a couple of times during the week she was with him, he’d drive over to my house. He parked down the street, behind my back yard. He told Willow to stay in the pickup while he’d “go check on Mom.”
Willow showed me right where he parked his truck and left her in it. She showed me where he peeked through my fence, into my back yard, and through the windows into my house.
Then she told me she sat in the truck with the engine off, waiting and watching him. Willow said she was cold and afraid in the truck, alone in the dark. She also mentioned that when he returned to the vehicle, as he got in he said to her, “We don’t need to tell Mom about this.”
Additionally, during the first month of our separation, he used my phone to track my whereabouts.
I was at an appointment with a therapist in an area of town near several law offices. I hadn’t planned for an attorney because we didn’t have assets to divide. We could’ve done a DIY divorce. He called in the middle of the appointment from one of the kids’ phones so I’d answer. He proceeded to ask why I was at a lawyer’s office because he didn’t want to get a divorce.
After 3-4 times of him using my phone to call me out on where I was, I got smart. I got myself my own phone plan so he couldn’t keep tabs on me that way.
As time went on, I’d often see him and/or his parents in my neighborhood driving past my house. He’d text and text and text in an attempt to get me to react. And, several times a month I’d “bump into” him at the grocery store nearest to my home. This store was not anywhere near his house.
I always told a friend when I’d catch him in my neighborhood or see him at the grocery store. I wasn’t ever alarmed by what I called him “spying on me.” But, it did frustrate and annoy me that he wouldn’t move on and leave me alone.
About 3 years after our separation my friend Pauline called in a panic one Friday evening. She said she’d been watching Dateline and it was always the ex husband who was stalking and ultimately killing their ex wives. She was worried about my safety and wanted me to call the police.
“What am I supposed to say? ‘My ex husband is spying on me and my friend is worried that he is going to kill me?’ “
“YES!!” Pauline adamently replied.
Somewhat sheepish and feeling like I fool, I dialed the non emergency phone number for the police.
“I, ah, I feel kinda like the little boy who cried wolf. But I promised my friend I would call you. She’s worried that my ex husband might hurt me because he follows me around, like… alot.“
The man on the other end was very serious and very direct. After asking a few questions he gave me explicit instructions to call the Family Justice Center in my hometown first thing Monday morning. “I cannot stress to you how serious this is. Please promise you will call them first thing on Monday.” I promised and hung up.
It was making that phone call that got me connected into a system of help and support.
Stalking is defined as a pattern of behavior in which an individual repeatedly follows, harasses, or threatens another person, causing them to feel fearful or in danger.
While I didn’t know to be afraid, I did feel violated that he was stalking me. I also felt constrained because he wouldn’t let me go.
It wasn’t until getting connected with the Family Justice Center that I learned the severity of stalking.
January is Stalking Awareness Month.
It is important to be aware of the signs and to know what to do if you find yourself in this situation. Stalking from a former intimate partner can take many forms, from physical to emotional abuse and verbal abuse to cyberstalking. It can range from any/or a combination of these behaviors:
- following
- harassing
- intimidating
- sending unwanted gifts or texts
- making threats
- sharing private information.
If you are being stalked by a former intimate partner, it is important to take action to protect yourself.
In the context of an abusive relationship, stalking can be used as a tactic to maintain power and control over the victim, even after the relationship has ended.
Stalking from a former intimate partner is often an overlooked issue, especially among women. It is a serious issue that can have serious consequences.
The lastest estimates are that 1 in 6 women in the United States have experienced stalking from a former partner.
Stalking after an intimate partner relationship separation may increase the risk of future violence.
In fact, the Stalking Prevention, Awareness, and Resource Center states there is a “real and frighteningly significant connection between stalking and intimate partner violence.”
The Center provides eerie stats that should be noted:
- 40% of stalking victims are stalked by current or former intimate partners.
- 57% of intimate partner stalking victims are stalked during the relationship.
- 74% of women stalked by a former intimate partner report violence and/or coercive control during the relationship.
Perhaps even more alarming …
- The most common use of the criminal justice system prior to attempted or completed intimate partner homicide was reporting intimate partner stalking.
- Stalking increases the risk of intimate partner homicide by three times.
If you or someone you know is being stalked by a former partner, it is important to take action.
Today, I’m grateful that Pauline had the foresight to have me make that call for support.
At the Family Justice Center, I was taught what to save, what to document, and how to make a safety plan. I was also told to keep a few close friends and colleagues in the loop at all times about my whereabouts to help keep me safe.
It is important to understand that stalking is not just about being followed or watched.
It is about the perpetrator’s actions and the impact they have on the victim. Stalking can have a severe emotional and psychological impact on the victim, causing feelings of fear, anxiety, and depression.
Victims of stalking may experience a range of physical symptoms as well, such as difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite, and weight loss or gain. They may also experience difficulty concentrating, and have trouble functioning in their daily lives.
If you are being stalked, please seek help.
This can include contacting local law enforcement, seeking a restraining order, and reaching out to a support group or counselor for assistance. The sooner the stalking behavior is challenged and disrupted, the better the chances of stopping it occur. It is also important to take steps to increase your safety, such as changing your phone number, email address, and social media accounts, and being aware of your surroundings when in public.
In conclusion, stalking by abusive ex-husbands is a serious issue that affects many women. It’s important to recognize the signs and take action to help victims. Ask for help. Support and protection are available to victims of stalking. Remember that stalking IS a crime and the perpetrator can be held accountable for their actions.
*While it is often thought of as a problem that only affects women, men can be victims of stalking as well.
I write from the standpoint of a woman being abused by a former male intimate partner because that was my experience. However, it is important to acknowledge that abuse and stalking can happen in any socioeconomic class or race, and in any relationship dynamic; including men being abused by women, teen dating issues, and in the LGBTQ+ community.
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