Did you know that financial abuse and domestic violence almost always go hand in hand ?
Financial abuse occurs in 99% of domestic violence cases.
In fact, financial abuse is often cited by victims of abuse as the main reason they stayed with or returned to an abusive partner.
~ National Network to End Domestic Violence
I didn’t even know what financial abuse was until years after I left my abusive marriage. At the time, all I knew was that I wasn’t allowed to make money decisions.
For me, there were many instances of financial abuse.
💲Dick paid the bills in his name first. Any bills in my name only were paid late, which ultimately ruined my credit well before I tried to leave him.
💲 Dick refused to put the house in my name when we bought it. I was not allowed to go to the closing or have my name put on the deed.
💲 He would only agree to go on vacation to the same place every time in Oregon, and only when his parents went. Even though my brother was a Disney employee and could get us free park entrance and hotel discounts, Dick refused to take the kids to Disneyland.
As the abuse in the marriage worsened, the reins on the finances tightened, too.
Early on in our marriage, after my second pregnancy, I began working from home so that I could be there for Chloe and Lizzie. When I became pregnant with Willow, 5 years later, I had a high risk pregnancy and had to quit work.
Toward the end of the pregnancy, I signed up to be a Mary Kay Beauty Consultant.
This was the perfect job for me because I LOVE everything about skin care and make up. I could work from home, have me time with other women, play with the products by trying them out on new friends, and make money doing it.
This was a threat to Dick. He had a problem with me getting out of the house, making friendships, and becoming more confident and independent.
Dick felt he was losing control.
So, like any good narcissist would, Dick sabotaged my financial ability.
I tried to hold skin care classes at an office site on Saturday mornings so that Dick would be home with the kids.
Most Saturdays, as I was getting ready, he’d pick a fight or tell me at the last minute that he was going to the gym and that I’d have to cancel my class to stay home with the kids.
Needless to say, I’d leave the house frazzled and upset, many times after crying. I didn’t show up well to hold space for my customers.
Despite his efforts, I climbed the ranks to become a Mary Kay Sales Director.
That’s when he started belittling what I did for a living, trash talked the Company and my colleagues and customers, became resentful and punishing toward me for the time I was away from the house, and he made it very difficult both logistically and emotionally to work.
I ended up resigning and stopped selling Mary Kay cosmetics. It was easier on the marriage if I didn’t have a life outside the home and didn’t succeed in making my own money.
As the financial abuse got worse, so did the frequency of domestic violence incidents. That is was abusers will do. Domestic abuse is a pattern of an ever escalating need for the abuser to gain power and control over their partner.
Just a quick post script…
To this day, I swear by Mary Kay products. People are shocked all the time when I tell them I’m 52. They tell me I look like I am in my 30’s. Thanks Mary Kay!!!
